HA recovery diaries #10 Liberation not limitation

A huge part of recovery from HA or any form of restrictive disorder is letting go of the rules.  It seems like it should be easy once we learn that our habits are responsible for our poor health to just stop exercising and start eating but it is very rarely so.  Often we have spent years beating ourselves into submission that it becomes almost impossible to disentangle ourselves.

So why do we place these rules on ourselves?

Almost always we begin with the best intentions in mind.  We want to get healthier, to be fitter, to look better, to create “the best version of ourselves”.  And how are we told to do this?  Eat less, move more, lose weight.  We are surrounded by these messages in society to the point that they become embedded into our psyche.  Almost everyone is living in the mindset of either trying to lose weight or not wanting to gain weight.  Dieting and exercise have become the social norms.

When we first set out on a health or weight loss journey, we do our research and arm ourselves with knowledge.  Which foods are low in calories or have the most nutrients? How many calories should we eat?  Which foods are more fattening?  How much exercise a day is needed for weight loss?  Which exercises burn the most fat?  All of this information is too much to carry around in our heads so we develop rules to follow to save hours of deliberation every time we need to eat or move our bodies.  Following a plan is so much easier as it takes the pressure of decision making away.   But this is not necessarily a good thing!

For example, take some common food rules:

I can only eat X calories a day

I shouldn’t eat chocolate

I can’t have dessert

If I go to a restaurant I have to have a salad

I am only allowed to eat X times a day

I must leave X hours between meals

no donutPhoto credit
Notice any similarities?

The words only, can’t, shouldn’t, must, allowed..  How do these words make you feel?  Ask most people to choose between oppression and liberation and I can almost guarantee they will choose freedom.  But living with words like this, we cannot be totally free.  For some reason we seem to enjoy creating a cage for ourselves to live in, placing restrictions and limitations on our own lives.

Why do we do this?

I don’t have the answer to that.  Maybe it is because we are scared.  So scared of our own power that we feel we have to reign ourselves in.  Scared that without the rules we will be totally out of control.  And ironically enough, rules create exactly the kind of environment for this kind of rebelling to occur.  If you are the kind of person that tends to spiral into chaos the minute you break a rule, think back to before you ever had any rules.  I am guessing that you were doing just fine.   As soon as we place restrictions on ourselves we ignite the deep desire to rebel and it becomes a viscous cycle.

In creating rules, we hand over our power to adapt and change.  Life is not constant – in fact its common to hear that the only constant thing about it is change.  And rules don’t account for this.  We are constantly evolving as humans and the world is in a state of continuous flux.  Just because something works for us today does not mean it will work tomorrow.  But often we cling to the rules we make, far beyond the point where they no longer serve us.  The habits and beliefs we have built become so deeply embedded that it is difficult to consider any other option.

This is why going “all in” works can be so challenging.  Although the fundamentals are non-negotiable there is a lot of room for individualisation.

We know that we need to exercise less but how much is too much?  Can we carry on with what we usually do but less frequently?  How about lifting weights?  Is walking ok?  If so for how long?  What about yoga?

We know we need to nourish our bodies but how much do we need?  Is 2000 calories enough?  3000?  Should we be eating junk foods or focus on nutrition?  Is eating a lot at night ok or should we be spacing things out throughout the day?

These are all questions that come up frequently and there simply is no answer.  Everybody is different and it is up to you to find what works best for your body.  And this can be scary if we are coming from a place where we had a set rule book to help us make our decisions.  We knew what was ok and not ok.  We had external guides to tell us what to do.  And now we are supposed to just let ourselves loose in the world?!

Again, most people want to live a life where they feel free.  In the western world, we are lucky to have abundance available to us every day and yet we choose to turn away from it.  Partly this is because we are made to believe that we can only have certain things if we do as we are told.  If we deprive ourselves in the short term we will receive the rewards of health, beauty and happiness in the long term.  No pain, no gain.  But this simply isn’t true.  We can have all of these things without punishing or depriving ourselves.

What we aren’t told is that there is a shortcut.  Welcoming the abundance in our lives with gratitude will bring us all of these things.  Getting in touch with our needs on both a physical and emotional level and focusing on the things that mean the most to us will bring a deep, sustainable joy which no health or fitness plan can ever promise.  You are the most powerful person in your own life and unlocking this power and using it is so rewarding.  And by power I don’t mean will-power, the ability to stick to external or self-imposed rules but the power to live your life the way you want to.  The power to go against the grain, to make mistakes, to change your mind.. what ever you need to do.

When it comes to food, give yourself the freedom to choose what, when, how much.  If you feel compelled to exercise, give yourself permission to rest.  If your body wants to move then explore that gently.  Take away all numbers, measurements, times and go with whatever feels right.  It might be scary at first but once you get to know your body and your intuition, this will become your safe place.  And when you are stuck or unsure about a decision in your healing journey, maybe try approaching it with a question.

Will this bring me closer to liberation or limitation?

 

HA recovery diaries #9 The scale, friend or foe?

A couple of weeks ago in my progress update blog, I mentioned that I had fallen back into the habit of weighing myself and that I was going to go scale-free for the next 30 days.  Since I started trying to get my period back 4 months ago, I stayed away from the scale for fear of setting myself back. But then thoughts started to creep in I wonder how much I weigh these days?  And this eventually I caved. Before long I was back into the habit of weighing myself every few days.

I wasn’t consciously trying to lose weight or change what I was eating as a result of the number and it definitely didn’t have the same power over me and my emotional state as it has in the past.  But I found myself experiencing mild disappointment if I saw the number rising and secretly was glad that my weight was finally pretty stable after my initial gain.  Even though I told myself I was ok with my new weight, I can’t deny that knowing it still brought some anxiety.  In the back of my mind I still had the thought that I was “big enough” now and I think on some level this was reflected in the choices I was making, whether I was aware of it or not.

I found myself questioning myself more often about whether I was really hungry for that snack.  Or whether I should have the fruit instead of the chocolate I was craving.  Or thinking that maybe I should go out for my usual walk even though its pissing down with rain outside.  When my third period didn’t come as I expected I had to reevaluate what I was doing.  I needed to ask myself some questions and be totally honest with myself. Where did this need for me to monitor my weight come from?  And was it really helpful in my recovery journey?

For sure it really is a tough topic with regards to recovery from restrictive eating and weight suppression.  On one hand, if you are trying to gain weight, weighing yourself can be a useful tool to monitor your progress and check you are eating enough to repair your body and get to where you need to be.  It can also be useful to have a goal to work towards i.e. the “fertile BMI range” of 22-23 where a lot of women tend need to reach in order to recover their menstrual cycles.  But for those coming from a much lower weight, this can seem like an unthinkable goal, a huge mountain that is near impossible to even imagine climbing.

And for those of us who are already close to this target weight at the start of our recovery journey, it can become more of a limit on how much we are willing to gain.  In order to fully heal, we need to surrender to the process and let go of all restrictions on our body, including the self-imposed limitations on what we should weigh.  For many women, it is necessary to go above the “healthy” BMI range for our bodies to feel safe enough to menstruate.  How can we label a BMI healthy if our body cannot perform one of its basic functions?!  BMI is such a generalised approach and is in no way suitable for all individuals but I will talk about this in more detail in another post..

Right now I want to focus on how weighing ourselves makes us feel in our bodies.  When you are trying to recover, there is always the risk of setting yourself back mentally.  For lots of us chronic dieters, weighing ourselves has been a regular ritual which we relied on to determine our self worth.  I know from personal experience that you can feel really good and confident and then step on the scale, see a number higher than you were expecting and all of a sudden your self esteem is through the floor.  Even with all of the work towards changing my attitude towards my body I still had a mini eeeeeshhhh moment in my head when I first saw how much I had gained a few months into recovery.  And bear in mind that this is when I had been trying to gain weight on purpose.

In the past I have often let the scale rule my life.  If the number was up I would try to restrict my food or exercise even more, constantly seeking that thrill of seeing a smaller number next time.  Often this restriction would lead to me over eating and feeling even worse when I stepped on the scale and saw an even higher number than before.  If the number was down it could go one of two ways.. either I would chase the high and continue restricting or I would go into self-sabotage mode and end up overeating. Total insanity.

And this time round the habit had got sneaky.  I wasn’t using the scale as a way to measure how good at dieting I had been but I was still judging myself based on what I saw.  I was assuming that if I was truly listening to my hunger and fullness cues then my weight should stay the same.  I was using my weight as an external guide of how successful I was at “intuitive eating” which of course goes against the definition of intuitive meaning that I wasn’t successful at all.  It is much better to rely on your own internal compass to determine how you feel.

SCALE-3

Our bodies provides us with all of the feedback to tell us whether they are happy or not, we just have to learn to listen to them instead of handing all of our power over to a useless piece of machinery.  Turning inwards and looking at our energy levels, our digestion, our mood and our quality of sleep provides us all of the information we need to know whether we are “on track” or not.

In my opinion, there is simply no need for anyone to keep track of their weight, regardless of whether they are in recovery or not.  It is not the weight that determines the our health but our behaviours and self-esteem.  For those who are underweight, adopting healthy behaviours and truly providing the body with the nourishment it needs will bring the body to a healthy weight.  The goal is full recovery, not just weight restoration.  We want to make sustainable changes to the way we treat our bodies, to find that inner caretaker who is going to help us look after ourselves through all of life’s twists and turns.

And to update on my progress – two weeks after my scale freedom I got my period right on time!  It has now been almost four weeks of liberation and I don’t see myself going back anytime soon.  I feel so much calmer and hadn’t even realised the underlying anxiety until it lifted.  It was as if I had been carrying around an invisible burden which was pressing down on me and suppressing my ability to relax and feel happy, without me even realising.

I hope that this post will give strength to anyone who still has that emotional attachment to the scale to just throw it out.  It is definitely not your friend. Make some new friends that will make you feel good about yourself and watch your whole attitude and outlook change.

Thoughts on Fitspo

This morning a friend posted this image on Facebook.

fitspo

I know she had the best intentions behind the post but it really got me thinking about the “Fitspo” trend and its affects on body image.  The Urban Dictionary definition of the word is:

“Images of active, strong, and fit women that promote proper exercise and diet. May also include images healthy foods. Much like thinspo (images of dangerously thin women used by people with eating disorders to motivate) but healthier.”

From the definition it sounds like a great thing. Replacing the horrible trend of “thinspo” and encouraging women to be healthy and active.. both of those things get a great big TICK from me.

However, what can’t be escaped is the fact that images like this still encourage women to focus on their body shape and size. They still provide a body ideal, a goal for women to aim for. They still encourage women to base their self-worth on their appearance and attach morality to food and exercise. And this results in the same feelings of unworthiness and disappointment for those women who don’t follow the rules and don’t look like the picture-perfect instagram babes.

The image above does an amazing job at showing us that the number on the scale is, well only that really. A number. The point here is that body weight and BMI are pretty meaningless and bodies of the same weight can have completely different body shape and composition. That’s all well and good, but what does the image imply? That we should be focusing on getting lean and toned instead of skinny? That it’s much better to be heavier and look like the photo on the right? Yes it may be successful in shifting the focus away from the scale but to what… the mirror?

Lots of women (myself included) are falling into the trap of shifting goals from trying to weigh as little as possible to eating clean and looking lean. What the images above don’t show is how the woman is feeling in each photo and what her life really looks like. What kind of behaviours is she engaging in to maintain her body? What is her overall health like? How are her relationships and social life? Is she following her passions?

There could be a whole range of things going on behind the scenes. We often assume that just because someone looks “normal” that they are not suffering and this is not always the case. Disordered eating can take on so many shapes and sizes. Bulimia and exercise bulimia, orthorexia, food fears, laxative abuse, binge eating. All of these can often go unnoticed as people can maintain a normal BMI and not end up looking like the skeletal eating disorder stereotype. I am not saying by any means that the girl in the photos is suffering from any of these issues but what I am trying to say is not to take photos like this at face value. Images mean nothing unless we know the story behind them.

For me personally, looking lean came at a great cost. I did all of the right things. I worked out daily. I ate clean. I drank plenty of water. But I didn’t feel good and I didn’t know WHY. I wasn’t healthy. My periods were totally absent. I started to wake up in the early hours of the morning for no reason. I felt fatigued all of the time and had to rely on caffeine more and more. I know not everybody will have the same experience but I am sure I am not the only one. It took a lot of effort to unlearn all of the so-called healthy habits I had developed and get back to focusing on feeling good.

For those of us in the health and fitness world, food and exercise and shaping our body can easily become the focus of our life. Yes it is fun to experiment with food and of course moving our bodies feels great. But it doesn’t have to be our sole purpose. It is very easy to get caught up in the bubble and forget that there is an outside world. Real life social connections and meaningful relationships where you can be yourself can do so much more for your health and wellbeing than following some online fitness guru and feeling connected to others by the restraints of whatever lifestyle they preach.

We all want to be healthy and lead a long and happy life but there is more to life than health than working out and eating salads. Having a passion and following your dreams gives you vitality and a sparkle in your eyes that no workout can ever bring. Getting in touch with your true values and finding a purpose in life will make you feel amazing . You don’t have to eat a certain way or look like a fitness model to feel valuable and do good in the world. And chances are you will want to look after yourself in whatever way feels right for you in order to achieve what you want in life. If that means working out a few times a week and feeling strong, great. If that means eating chocolate every day, also great 🙂

Calling all health freaks on birth control

Are you taking the contraceptive pill?

Are you into “health and fitness”?

Do you exercise a lot?

Do you watch what you eat?

Are you underweight or at the lower end of an average BMI?

Are you under a lot of emotional stress?

If the answer to any of the above questions is yes, then listen up.

Your hormonal health may be suffering and be masked by taking the pill.

In my HA Recovery Diaries series I wrote about my struggles with Hypothalamic Amenorrhea. This is when women stop having their natural menstrual cycle due to physical or emotional stress on the body, including over-exercise, under-eating and being at a low body weight (and by low body weight I mean below our bodies’ happy point, not what is defined by the media or fitness industry).

The hypothalamus is like the control centre of our brain. It sends out hormonal signals which regulate all our important bodily functions, including metabolism, body temperature and reproduction. When the hypothalamus detects a stressful situation, in particular an “energy crisis” which can arise from exercising too much and moving too little, it shuts down any unnecessary functions. This can result in symptoms such as feeling cold, brittle hair and nails and, of course, loss of our menstrual cycle.

For women who are on the pill, this huge sign that something is wrong can easily be missed. The pill introduces synthetic hormones into the body in order to trick the body into thinking it is pregnant, thereby preventing ovulation. In order to induce a monthly bleed, 7 days of sugar pills replace these hormones every 4 weeks. The “period” that we get when on the pill is in fact a withdrawal bleed from the sudden drop in hormones. This means that we assume everything is fine with our hormonal system when actually things could be going very wrong!

In today’s body conscious society, I think this is a much more common problem than we realise. It has become fashionable to hang out at the gym, living in leggings and sports bras, striving to achieve the perfect, toned body. We are told that exercise is important to maintain a healthy body, which is true to a certain extent, however it is not the full story. Moving our body is of course good for our health, however exercising too intensely or frequently is perceived by the body as a physical stress and can cause our metabolic and reproductive systems to shut down.

I was lucky that I came off birth control after only 12 months and after a few years of being fobbed off my doctors that my “post-pill amenorrhea” was normal I realised that something else was going on. However, it still took me another 6 years to actually get to the bottom of the issue and to regain my cycles. During my recovery process, I have met so many women who have come off birth control to try and get pregnant and found that their cycles just didn’t come back. I can only imagine the disappointment and frustration at wanting a child and your body simply not being ready.

And the recovery process is not always quick or easy. Depending on the extent of the damage done, not so much in terms of physical damage to your body but more in how ingrained the thought patterns have become, it can take months or even years to recover. For many who have built their life around nutrition and exercise and may be known by their friends and family as “the fit one” or “the skinny one”, habits can be extremely hard to break. Even once you start treating your body right, it may be months before it feels safe enough to grow a child. I am not saying all of this to scare you, I am just being honest.

You might think that because you are not trying to get pregnant, then it isn’t all that important to have a period. Certainly the whole point of the birth control pill is to shut it down. But like I said earlier, not having a period is a clear signal from your body that it is not happy and that things need to change. Think of it like your monthly report, indicating how well your body is functioning. Menstrual cycle disruptions, including PMS as well as amenorrhea, indicate the health of your bones, thyroid and metabolism. This beautiful, complex hormonal cycle also regulates our emotions, sex drive and even how much we enjoy sex. These days everyone is using fitbits and health and fitness apps, but we have our own built in tool to inform our health decisions and we are simply not using it!

467289-best-fitness-app-round-up

So to summarise, if you are on the contraceptive pill and there is a chance you fall into the category of “health freak”, “fitness fanatic” or “stress head” then I strongly advise you to do some research on Hypothalamic Amenorrhea. Read my HA Recovery Diaries series, check out this link and see what you think. If you think you are someone who could be affected by this then it may be a good idea to come off the pill for a while and see what happens. The first stage of solving any problem is awareness and you now have that after reading this post so you are already on the journey to recovery. Next comes acceptance and hopefully it won’t take you 6 years to get to this stage like it did for me.

Finally comes action! And if you get to this point you are in great company. I have met so many amazing women online going through this healing journey. I have discovered Intuitive Eating, Health at Every Size and Life Unrestricted communities which have helped to totally reprogram my brain. So for that I am thankful!

If you have any questions please contact me and I will be happy to help 🙂

 

HA recovery diaries #6 the roller coaster of healing emotions

In the beginning of this journey I thought that getting my period back was the final goal. Little did I know back then that this was merely a sign that I was on the right track on a much longer healing journey. It has been 3 weeks since the return of AF and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions.. mainly joy, excitement and gratitude but also fear and uncertainty.

Deciding to tackle this mountain of an issue is not easy. Most of us have dedicated years of our lives to our “health” and “beauty” goals only to find out we have been fed a pack of lies. We have spent so long cultivating beliefs about how we should look in order to be happy and successful that finding out that this isn’t necessarily what is right for us is quite a blow.

At first we remain in denial – our lifestyle can’t possibly be the cause of our lack of periods, we are slim and fit therefore we MUST be healthy..right?

Once we start to realise that maybe fixation on our weight could be responsible we get defensive – we aren’t exercising THAT much, we aren’t VERY underweight, we know people skinnier than us who still have their cycles..

At some point we experience anger – anger towards the media and diet industries for making us feel unworthy and for providing us with our body ideals and even anger towards our own bodies for not conforming to these images of “perfection”

Of course there is the sadness too –  we are sad that we have neglected our bodies in this way and grieve for the time and energy we have lost and can’t get back

Yet along the way we discover the other women who are also walking this well-trodden path and we find hope – time and time again we see healing stories which give us hope that we can also overcome this

But we haven’t yet cultivated patience and expect miracles to happen over night  – when we don’t see the changes we want we start to feel lost and broken like we are different from the others and will never be able to heal

We start to feel uncertainty – we don’t know whether this will work, we are out of our comfort zones and crave the safety of our old routines. We can’t quite let go of something, maybe our weight, our control over food or our exercise routine

Eventually we surrender and feel a huge sense of relief. – giving up the struggle and allowing our bodies to lead the way instead of our minds constantly planning, analysing, criticising

This is where the magic happens

Getting my period back brought me huge joy but it is not the end of the road. Now I have to relearn how to look after my body.. I want to eat well and move my body but I don’t know how to go about it any more. Everything I learned from the past is a no go and I feel totally lost. I need to discover where my boundaries are – what can I do? how much is too much? Right now I am remaining cautious and I am very aware that I could easily slip back into old patterns.

It seems like I am in this for the long haul but I wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂

Amy

HA recovery diaries #5 I DID IT

I never expected that this day would come so quickly on only diary entry number 5 but here it is.. I got my period back!! After 8 years of amenorrhea, BAM it is back. I am so so happy I can’t stop smiling and telling everyone I see!

I posted my recovery story in Nicola Rinaldi’s No Period Now What facebook group so I am just going to share this post as I don’t have time to write a separate entry today. I am so full of gratitude to Nicola and also to Meret Boxler and her Life Unrestricted podcast for helping open my mind and get my life back. Also big thanks to Hannah Lipman from The Healing Woman for supporting me throughout this journey!

So here it is…

For those who wanted to hear my story.. I lost my period 8 years ago through very restrictive dieting, over exercise, stress and the birth control pill ( perfect storm hey!). My lowest bmi was probably 18 but after a couple of years I fell into a binge/restrict cycle and gained up to bmi 21. I have been at that weight for the last 6 years.. maintaining the diet mentality, weight suppression and over exercise. I was constantly thinking about food, planning what to eat, worrying about what I ate, eating on a schedule rather than listening to my body. I lost my spark for life, my emotions and libido were severely suppressed and I lost interest in hobbies and socialising. I would still do these things but I almost felt like I was just going through the motions and lost my excitement for life. Last year I was (wrongly) diagnosed with PCOS and at that point discovered a high carb vegan diet and started eating loads of fruit, veg and starches probably around 2500 cals. I started to feel much better but despite no longer physically restricting I still was mentally restricting and always terrified of weight gain and used exercise to maintain my figure. In November 2016 after researching endlessly online I found out about HA and how it can be easily mistaken for PCOS – this was my story exactly and was the kick up the butt I needed to accept things needed to change. I decided to stop exercise other than walking and yoga (which was such a hard and scary decision to make after nearly 10 years of addiction!). In Jan 2017 I discovered Nicola’s blog and bought NPNW book and realised I was still not “all in” even with all of the positive changes I had made. Even though I eating plenty, I was still not completely free and still using brain power to control my body’s cravings and urges. At that point I decided I needed to let go of allll rules. I ate anything I wanted, including lots of processed foods that I had only ever eaten during binges before, sometimes scared that I was getting out of control as I was so hungry all of the time and terrified I would fall back into my old bingeing habits. I aimed for 3000 cals a day but never tracked anything so I couldn’t say for sure.  I still wanted to stay vegan for ethical reasons and eat lots of fruits, veg and starches as I felt good doing this but I ate biscuits, chocolate, ice cream ON TOP. I stopped the all or nothing, black and white thinking and realised that I don’t have to be perfect (not that there is any such thing!). I knew that my controlling nature had got me to HA and that I needed to give it up to get past this.. I focused on letting go, stopping the struggle and surrendering to the process. Paying my body back for all the restrictions and letting my cravings/instincts lead the way. 5 weeks later I saw ewcm for the first time and now 7 weeks later AF!! So all in all this has been a 12 months since I upped my calories, almost 4 months since stopping exercise and 6 weeks since going all in with food no restrictions. I have gained some weight but not much I don’t think although I haven’t weighed myself I am somewhere between 21 and 22 I would guess. I hope this is helpful if you have any specific questions please ask xxx

I am still going to keep up this blog as I have so much more I want to write about. The above is just a summary to show that recovery is possible! Now I need to go and celebrate and I am going on holiday tomorrow. In the past I would have been gutted about getting my period just before a beach holiday but now I am so thankful. I will never take it for granted again. Sending love to anyone reading this and pleeeeaaase remember to trust your body, regain that connection and miracles can happen!

Amy x

Recovery diaries #4 feminine energy and amenorrhea

Since I started my recovery journey I have learned so much about masculine and feminine energy and the importance of keeping them in balance. Looking back at my life in the last 10 years it makes me laugh because it seems so obvious why I didn’t have my period for so long. I was living entirely from my masculine side, and through that I manifested a career in a very male dominated industry (engineering) and surrounded myself with male friends. I thought this was just because I got on better with guys and found I could talk to them easier, but what I didn’t realise was that this was because I was so out of touch with my feminine side that I just didn’t know how to communicate with girls any more and found that I just never really “clicked” with women that I met.

So when I say masculine energy what do I mean? I don’t mean the standard stereotype of watching football and drinking beer (although I do like a good craft ale) but more the masculine energy traits that we all have. These are left brain kind of traits such as logic, planning, control, striving, analysing and being goal orientated. And let me just stress that these are not bad things!! But when we take them too far and don’t balance them out with more feminine traits, that it when problems emerge. For me I have always been a very determined person, setting goals and planning what I can DO to get there. Finding out that in order to achieved the goal of getting my period back I actually need to just BE was a huge shock to me.

Feminine energy is much softer and calmer. It includes traits such as creativity, intuition, nurturing, patience, empathy and most importantly for me, surrender. These were all so alien to me! I have always been what people might call “a strong independent woman” but I didn’t know that by playing that role I was entirely sacrificing my feminine energy. For those of us that are classic type-A perfectionist kind of personalities it can be so easy to drift towards a strict routine with a long to-do list and packed schedule every day. We want to be productive and not waste a single minute. We see resting as a waste of time or even as being lazy. Often just sitting still makes us feel anxious as we feel we should be doing something! 

It is so easy to see how this kind of attitude can lead to losing our periods. When it comes to our bodies we tend to view them as machines. We really take the energy in=energy out principle to heart and see health and fitness as a numbers game. We set ourselves (often very ambitious) goals for how we want our bodies to look or what we want them to do and come up with a plan of how to get there. We apply our will power to eating “clean” or following intense exercise plans and quite often are praised by others for doing so. When I was in the depths of my disordered eating and exercise I got praise all the time.. people telling me I was so fit and healthy or that they wished they had my discipline around food and working out. What they didn’t know was the effect that my behaviours were really having on my body and the mental stress that this lifestyle was causing.

So what can we do to nurture our feminine side if we are lacking? 

I am still learning about all of this but here are a few things that I am working on at the moment.

  1. Getting in touch with my senses – listening to calming music, lighting candles and incense, finding out what foods I actually LIKE and allowing myself to enjoy them daily and wearing soft, comfortable or flowing materials
  2. Calming down my workout routine – I used to lift weights and do boxercise and other HIT workouts. I have also done yoga for years but often more intense power or ashtanga styles. I have recently discovered shakti yoga which much more graceful and feminine, almost dance-like, and is great for discovering your “inner goddess”
  3. Accepting help – Like I said i have always been a very independent person, wanting to do things for myself and not look weak or incapable. Now I am learning to relax more and allow people to do things for me if they offer. I am finding that letting people in in this way is even helping improve my relationships
  4. Getting in touch with my creativity – I have never been a very imaginative person but I love sewing and crafts so I am trying to channel my inner creativity in this way and who knows maybe I will uncover some long lost talents
  5. Connecting with others – I have found that reaching out and sharing my fears with others in my life or online has helped so much. Being vulnerable is actually so empowering! And in being honest about my struggles I have learnt so much about other people too
  6. Being kind to my body – this is quite a tough one but I am trying to get back in touch with what my body needs and learn how to look after myself again. I am so used to neglecting any signs of “weakness” and pushing my body through tiredness, injuries etc that I am finding it quite difficult but I definitely becoming more in-tune with time. I am learning to be kind to myself which takes on different forms every day.. some days it is accepting that my body needs to rest, other days it is going out for a walk in the fresh air, others it is eating lots of chocolate mmmmm

I hope that this can give some inspiration to anyone looking to channel some feminine energy. If you have any suggestions too I would love to hear them 🙂

Amy x