Do you still believe in diets?

The fact that dieting works is one of the most widespread myths of the western world.

So many women are stuck in the constant cycle of calorie restriction, deprivation followed by rebound overeating and weight gain.

Diet cycle

The problem is that we don’t see it as a cycle. We see it as lots of separate, successful diets with periods of failure on our part in-between. We see the diets as being successful due to our initial weight loss and then blame ourselves for “falling off the wagon” and gaining back the weight. Then of course, we see the only solution as starting a new diet.

What we don’t realise is that with every cycle our body becomes better equipped to deal with the perceived famine.

  • Our digestive systems slow down in an attempt to squeeze every last calorie out of the food that we eat, leaving us feeling bloated and sluggish.
  • Our metabolism slows down so that we waste less energy as heat, resulting in a drop in our body temperature and symptoms such as cold hands and feet and sensitivity to cold.
  • Growth of our nails and hair slows down as our bodies try to conserve energy and we may experience disruption to our menstrual cycles.
  • Even we slow down as we start to feel the effects of being in a chronic energy deficit such as fatigue and muscle aches and pains.

Basically, everything slows down! Not only that, our bodies develop ways to persuade us to eat more, increasing our hunger signals and cravings for sweet and fatty foods making us feel like we just don’t have the willpower that we used to. Often, we feel like we have no control around food and start to think about it wayyyy too often.

Even though our society views dieting as the healthy and often even the moral thing to do, chronic calorie restriction and yoyo dieting are some of the most damaging habits for our bodies long term.

Really, calorie restriction can go one of two ways:

  1. Sustained weight loss / chronic calorie restriction

Yes there are people who lose weight and successfully keep it off. However, it is important to realise that those who lose weight through dieting need to eat less and less as they get older in order to maintain their weight. Sometimes this is referred to as “metabolic damage” but in reality it is actually our bodies getting super efficient!

Being in a calorie deficit is a stressor for our bodies, causing cortisol levels to sky rocket. Short term, this has the effect of raising our blood sugar and increases the breakdown of lean tissue for fuel. Long term, chronic stress affects all systems of the body causing digestive issues, a suppressed immune system and an increased risk of cardiovascular disease… and we thought going on a diet was healthy!

  1. Weight cycling / Yo-yo dieting

Cycling between extreme calorie restriction and rebound overeating is a trap that many dieters fall into. One of the issues with this is that we can end up depriving our bodies of essential nutrients. In the dieting phase, we might be eating healthy food (or not!) but if we are not consuming enough calories then it is unlikely we are getting the nutrients we need. In the rebound phase, our bodies are desperate for energy so we are much more likely to reach for calorie dense, processed foods that provide that quick surge of energy but still don’t provide the nutrients our bodies need. Of course, this is another survival mechanism as if we were in a true famine it is much better to survive with a slight nutrient deficiency than to waste away from lack of energy. But when we are practicing this pattern again and again throughout our lives we can get into trouble.

In addition, each weight cycle results in loss of muscle as well as fat which can change our body composition significantly over time. Reduced lean mass leaves us with a lower resting metabolic rate, meaning that each time we fall of the wagon we seem to regain weight quicker and each time we diet it gets harder and harder to lose weight.

So if dieting is off the cards, what is the solution?

Jumping off the diet wagon and learning to eat intuitively is one of the healthiest things you can do for your long-term health. I really recommend the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole as a guide to escaping the diet cycle and tuning into your body’s needs. It is definitely a journey rather than a quick fix as it take time to unpick old habits and form new ones but one that is so worth it!

Right now, I am in the healthiest place I ever have been with food. I probably weigh 15lbs more than my old “ideal weight” but in time I am realising how warped my view of ideal actually was. Plus, I am maintaining that weight on twice as many calories than I used to eat which is so liberating. I eat food that I love and that I know is nourishing for my body and eat A LOT of it. And when I want to treat myself I do. I go out to eat knowing that I can have whatever I want with no guilt and I eat until I am satisfied (sometimes more and that is ok too!).


If you are currently stuck in the dieting cycle, please please please take a moment to write down a timeline of your dieting history and look at the patterns. I know for me it really helped to see on paper how long I had been chasing my tail – just how many times I had lost and gained the same 5lbs and just how many “fresh starts” I had had. Sit and really think about the emotions that you feel during each phase of the cycle and ask yourself whether it is worth it. And if not, know that there is a way to step out of all of that and into food and body freedom 😊

HA recovery diaries #6 the roller coaster of healing emotions

In the beginning of this journey I thought that getting my period back was the final goal. Little did I know back then that this was merely a sign that I was on the right track on a much longer healing journey. It has been 3 weeks since the return of AF and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions.. mainly joy, excitement and gratitude but also fear and uncertainty.

Deciding to tackle this mountain of an issue is not easy. Most of us have dedicated years of our lives to our “health” and “beauty” goals only to find out we have been fed a pack of lies. We have spent so long cultivating beliefs about how we should look in order to be happy and successful that finding out that this isn’t necessarily what is right for us is quite a blow.

At first we remain in denial – our lifestyle can’t possibly be the cause of our lack of periods, we are slim and fit therefore we MUST be healthy..right?

Once we start to realise that maybe fixation on our weight could be responsible we get defensive – we aren’t exercising THAT much, we aren’t VERY underweight, we know people skinnier than us who still have their cycles..

At some point we experience anger – anger towards the media and diet industries for making us feel unworthy and for providing us with our body ideals and even anger towards our own bodies for not conforming to these images of “perfection”

Of course there is the sadness too –  we are sad that we have neglected our bodies in this way and grieve for the time and energy we have lost and can’t get back

Yet along the way we discover the other women who are also walking this well-trodden path and we find hope – time and time again we see healing stories which give us hope that we can also overcome this

But we haven’t yet cultivated patience and expect miracles to happen over night  – when we don’t see the changes we want we start to feel lost and broken like we are different from the others and will never be able to heal

We start to feel uncertainty – we don’t know whether this will work, we are out of our comfort zones and crave the safety of our old routines. We can’t quite let go of something, maybe our weight, our control over food or our exercise routine

Eventually we surrender and feel a huge sense of relief. – giving up the struggle and allowing our bodies to lead the way instead of our minds constantly planning, analysing, criticising

This is where the magic happens

Getting my period back brought me huge joy but it is not the end of the road. Now I have to relearn how to look after my body.. I want to eat well and move my body but I don’t know how to go about it any more. Everything I learned from the past is a no go and I feel totally lost. I need to discover where my boundaries are – what can I do? how much is too much? Right now I am remaining cautious and I am very aware that I could easily slip back into old patterns.

It seems like I am in this for the long haul but I wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂


HA recovery diaries #5 I DID IT

I never expected that this day would come so quickly on only diary entry number 5 but here it is.. I got my period back!! After 8 years of amenorrhea, BAM it is back. I am so so happy I can’t stop smiling and telling everyone I see!

I posted my recovery story in Nicola Rinaldi’s No Period Now What facebook group so I am just going to share this post as I don’t have time to write a separate entry today. I am so full of gratitude to Nicola and also to Meret Boxler and her Life Unrestricted podcast for helping open my mind and get my life back. Also big thanks to Hannah Lipman from The Healing Woman for supporting me throughout this journey!

So here it is…

For those who wanted to hear my story.. I lost my period 8 years ago through very restrictive dieting, over exercise, stress and the birth control pill ( perfect storm hey!). My lowest bmi was probably 18 but after a couple of years I fell into a binge/restrict cycle and gained up to bmi 21. I have been at that weight for the last 6 years.. maintaining the diet mentality, weight suppression and over exercise. I was constantly thinking about food, planning what to eat, worrying about what I ate, eating on a schedule rather than listening to my body. I lost my spark for life, my emotions and libido were severely suppressed and I lost interest in hobbies and socialising. I would still do these things but I almost felt like I was just going through the motions and lost my excitement for life. Last year I was (wrongly) diagnosed with PCOS and at that point discovered a high carb vegan diet and started eating loads of fruit, veg and starches probably around 2500 cals. I started to feel much better but despite no longer physically restricting I still was mentally restricting and always terrified of weight gain and used exercise to maintain my figure. In November 2016 after researching endlessly online I found out about HA and how it can be easily mistaken for PCOS – this was my story exactly and was the kick up the butt I needed to accept things needed to change. I decided to stop exercise other than walking and yoga (which was such a hard and scary decision to make after nearly 10 years of addiction!). In Jan 2017 I discovered Nicola’s blog and bought NPNW book and realised I was still not “all in” even with all of the positive changes I had made. Even though I eating plenty, I was still not completely free and still using brain power to control my body’s cravings and urges. At that point I decided I needed to let go of allll rules. I ate anything I wanted, including lots of processed foods that I had only ever eaten during binges before, sometimes scared that I was getting out of control as I was so hungry all of the time and terrified I would fall back into my old bingeing habits. I aimed for 3000 cals a day but never tracked anything so I couldn’t say for sure.  I still wanted to stay vegan for ethical reasons and eat lots of fruits, veg and starches as I felt good doing this but I ate biscuits, chocolate, ice cream ON TOP. I stopped the all or nothing, black and white thinking and realised that I don’t have to be perfect (not that there is any such thing!). I knew that my controlling nature had got me to HA and that I needed to give it up to get past this.. I focused on letting go, stopping the struggle and surrendering to the process. Paying my body back for all the restrictions and letting my cravings/instincts lead the way. 5 weeks later I saw ewcm for the first time and now 7 weeks later AF!! So all in all this has been a 12 months since I upped my calories, almost 4 months since stopping exercise and 6 weeks since going all in with food no restrictions. I have gained some weight but not much I don’t think although I haven’t weighed myself I am somewhere between 21 and 22 I would guess. I hope this is helpful if you have any specific questions please ask xxx

I am still going to keep up this blog as I have so much more I want to write about. The above is just a summary to show that recovery is possible! Now I need to go and celebrate and I am going on holiday tomorrow. In the past I would have been gutted about getting my period just before a beach holiday but now I am so thankful. I will never take it for granted again. Sending love to anyone reading this and pleeeeaaase remember to trust your body, regain that connection and miracles can happen!

Amy x

Recovery diaries #3 Eating by the clock

At the depths of my struggles with food, I would put off eating for as long as possible during the day. I would wait until I was literally starving, belly growling before each meal or snack. At first I felt ok and lost quite a bit of weight but of course it wasn’t a sustainable way to live. After a while my body started to fight back. Often, when I finally did give myself permission to eat I would eat till waaaayyy past satiation to the point of being uncomfortable and even in pain. At the time I saw this as a lack of control, being greedy and a problem to keep secret and overcome by myself. Now I can see that it was only a natural survival response and a huge flashing warning sign that something wasn’t right!

I remember coming across this hunger scale a while back and realising that I really need to change things.


Instead of hovering around the ideal zone and listening to my body’s gentle hunger and fullness signals I was swinging wildly from level 1 to level 10 on a daily basis. Even when started to eat a healthy amount and gained weight eating this way, my cycles never returned. Now I understand the importance of consistency with HA recovery. For our bodies to feel safe again and trust that there is enough energy available for “unnecessary” functions such as menstruation, we need to feed them sufficiently and reliably.

Even though I know all of this, a habit that I am finding very hard to un-learn is eating by the clock. Not in the sense of eating at fixed times every day, but more deciding how long after a meal it was OK to eat again. Now I am trying to get back in tune with my body, I am finding it hard to totally let go and trust my body’s signals. I am not even sure if I am aware of them half of the time, never mind listening to them.. If I get hungry a couple of hours after a meal, the first thing that pops into my head is

“I can’t be hungry I just ate!!”

The magic number for me seems to be 3 hours. I don’t know where along the line I decided that but my mind expects a meal to last that long and if I get hungry before then I will question it. The thing is, as long as we don’t have natural cycles, our bodies are going to demand more food. I need to keep reminding myself of this! Every time I delay eating because “it hasn’t been long enough yet” I am reinforcing those restrictive thought patterns in my brain. It is something that has been there so long it has woven itself into the fabric of my daily life and it is super hard to unpick!

I am definitely making progress as now, even though I still have those thoughts, I choose to act otherwise and do what I know is right for my body. Every time I do this I am strengthening new, positive thought patterns which will help me to recover. I am trying to honour my hunger signals and eat whenever and whatever I feel like eating. I know that sometimes this means eating out of boredom or emotional eating rather than true hunger but right now that is something that I am happy to accept as part of a normal, healthy relationship to food. I am hoping that eventually I will get to the point where it is as simple as feeling hungry and eating. No thinking back to my last meal. No wondering if I can hold out till my next meal. Just eating!

What determines when you should eat – your brain or your body? Are you struggling to let of self-imposed rules about when to eat? Let me know in the comments 🙂 

Amy x

HA Recovery diaries #2 The body knows best

Something I have realised since starting my recovery journey is just how detached from our bodies we often are.  Living in our heads with a constant conveyor belt of thoughts; to do lists, criticisms, judgements, action plans..  Our bodies become something of an inconvenience and we find ourselves getting frustrated when they don’t look or behave how we think they should.  The fact that we consciously decide what our perfect body looks like and then try to make it so results in a constant uphill battle. Our bodies are smart!  They have their own ideas about what size they should be and can maintain that balance without any conscious thought from us.

I don’t even want to think about the amount of time I have spent over the years focusing on the size and shape of my body and what I can do to change it.  Endless hours spent researching diets, planning meals, killing myself at the gym, staring at my “flaws” in the mirror, worrying about falling off the wagon and how I can get back on. Never once did it cross my mind about what would happen if I just decided NOT to get back on.  Such a simple idea but one that seems so ludicrous when you are caught up in the whirlwind that is the diet and fitness world.

I never really bought the idea of “set-point” weight before. Like many people, I saw weight loss purely from a mathematical point of view and to be honest I thought that the only thing between anyone and their goal weight was their effort and motivation. Now I know that is not true!! For years and years I exercised intensely most days and limited my energy intake – what most of us feel is necessary to maintain a low body weight.  I didn’t trust my body, I thought that I was MUCH better off letting my mind do the thinking and planning and then my body could do as it was told. Of course this didn’t happen and resulted in me getting stuck in a vicious cycle of overeating and restricting/over exercising to compensate.

Every time I “failed” at a new diet endeavour, I was angry at my body for not conforming to my plans. I would religiously start again the next day in the hope that this time my body would listen to my mind which knew what was best for it. This constant feeling of failure left me feeling anxious and out of control. I never considered the fact that maybe my body was trying to tell me something. I was so convinced that what I had planned was the right thing to do; that I needed to eat a certain amount and exercise a certain amount in order to look at a certain way.

Since deciding to go “all in” with my recovery, my eyes have been opened to the fact that my body has its own agenda and that it really isn’t so bad! I have stopped all forms of intense exercise now since 3 months and have totally relaxed all of my food rules. And guess what, my body has hardly changed. I have gained a few lbs yes, but nothing hugely noticeable. I honestly can’t believe the amount of effort I put in for so long trying to maintain a slightly lower body weight. I guess we just have been taught not to trust our bodies and it becomes a belief that we have to constantly control ourselves. Letting go and trusting the process is so freeing and although my body weight might be higher my mind is so much lighter.

I am writing this hoping to give some reassurance to anyone waiting to take the leap out of restriction and into a life of freedom and abundance. And also as a reminder that just because we surrender doesn’t mean we are out of control. Choosing to make every decision based on the intelligence and intuition of our body and mind at that given moment and not on some arbitrary rules is the ultimate way to take control of our own life and health.

Do you find that you are “living in your head”? How about handing over control to your body just for a day and see how it feels.. you might just surprise yourself 🙂 

Amy x

HA Recovery diaries #1 My story and perceived stress

Is it normal to lose your period? Is it ok?

For a long time I thought the answer to both of those questions was yes. Now it is a resounding NO!!

In my second blog post “How I got Veganized”, I shared some photos of my weight journey throughout the years. What I didn’t share was the intense struggle with food and exercise that was behind those changes. At the time I was quite embarrassed about it I suppose but now I know just how many people are going through similar issues that I think it’s something I need to speak about. It is definitely the reason behind my absent periods and the hell I have been through over the last 12 months (please see my previous blog for background if you haven’t already).

Since high school I have been what I would call “body conscious”. I was about 14 when I first started to really look at my body and I didn’t like what I saw. I thought I should be thinner, more toned yet more “womanly” (small goals hey). Being the determined, driven person that I am I took it upon myself to change that so I joined a gym and started eating less. At first it was healthy and I felt good but it quickly spiralled and within 12 months I was spending several hours a day at the gym and meticulously counting calories. I had no idea about nutrition or how the body works and I thought well calories in=calories out so I tried to balance what I ate with what I burnt off through exercise. I didn’t know at the time that our bodies need calories just to run normal functions!

Anyway, to cut a long story short I eventually lost my period. I had been on the birth control pill and when I stopped taking it after a year my cycles never returned. I was told by doctors that this was fine and normal and that it would take a while for my body to settle out. 12 months later.. still no period. I was told by doctors that it was fine and normal for active women and not to worry if I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. So I accepted that and carried on with my life.

I tried to keep up my diet and exercise regime but after a while my body started to fight back with EXTREME HUNGER. I still had my goal in mind though so I carried on working out and restricting my calories. But I would keep having these full on crazy binge eating episodes. I didn’t know what was going on. Seriously. I felt like something was invading my mind and forcing me to eat everything in sight! Then afterwards I would feel guilty and vow to eat less and exercise more the next day. Always frustrated, angry at my body for not conforming to the size and shape I had decided it should be. Every time I binged there was “something wrong with me” and I worked hard to make my body pay for its mistake.  And so the cycle continued..

This graphic from Deanna Schober sums it up pretty well.


I carried on in this confusing, agonising cycle for years and years. I went to university and definitely calmed down a bit, I was eating more and exercising less but the desire to change my body never left. I never fully let go and carried on trying to control my body through diet and exercise. The periods of binge eating kept cropping up meaning that my weight remained stable. Everyone around me thought I looked great and some even envied my discipline around food and working out. So many times I just wanted to scream about just how much pain I was going through to keep the body I had. And the funny thing was I still hated my body. I couldn’t see that I was slim already. I always thought I needed to do MORE to make myself LESS.

When I left university my life totally changed. I had started to notice my health declining and decided I needed to fix things. Around this time I discovered the plant based lifestyle which literally saved me! I won’t go into too much detail here but becoming vegan made me realise that there was so much more to my food choices than how many calories it contained. My focus switched to eating food that was good for the planet and for myself and my eyes were opened to the suffering caused by animal agriculture. People often ask my do I feel restricted on a vegan diet but honestly, after coming from a background of self- imposed restrictions around all sorts of foods I found it so liberating to just EAT.

Things changed dramatically in a few short months. I started to feed my body properly and my mind was in a much better place. I had gained about 15lbs by this point though which I really wasn’t happy with. I had lost the desire to be skinny but now I wanted to be toned. I was still working out most days, often going swimming before work and the gym after work. I was eating more YES but not enough to gain weight. I was just teetering on the edge and stayed that way for about 12 months.

At the time I thought that I had “recovered”. I was in a place where many women live their entire lives. Maintaining my weight but always anxious around food, always controlling. Scared to eat one biscuit in case I ate the whole pack (which happened many times..). Always ordering what the “skinny bitch” voice in my head told me to in a restaurant rather than what I actually wanted. Pushing myself further and further in my workouts, chasing that body ideal and the perceived high that comes with it. I have to say that compared to where I had come from this place felt GREAT.

Once I made it my goal to get my period back though, things changed again. This time the shift was in my mind. I started researching like crazy and found out the effects of all this restriction on the hypothalamus – the control centre in our brain for many of our hormones. It’s weird, even though I kind of knew before that under eating and too much exercise can cause our periods to stop, I just couldn’t relate to it. Because I was a healthy weight, eating plenty and exercising what is considered by most people to be a healthy amount I just thought that couldn’t possibly be what was happening. But what I hadn’t realised was the effect of perceived stress on the body.

I started to learn that the energy behind my choices made all the difference. An action performed in the same way but with a different mindset can have hugely different effects on the body. For example, take these two situations:

  1. “I am going swimming tomorrow before work. I will go before my breakfast so I can burn some fat as I really could do with losing some! I only have 30 minutes though so I had better push myself hard and get my heart rate up”
  2. “I am going swimming before work. I don’t have much time but I can just do 30 minutes. Swimming wakes me up and refreshes me and makes me feel great!”

Both cases involve swimming for 30 minutes but the perceived stress on the body would be much less in situation b. The same goes for food choices. I learned about something called cognitive dietary restraint which is basically perceived restriction around food. Again, for example, imagine being at a party and being offered a slice of cake.

  1. “Ooh cake! Thanks!” Person A eats the cake and enjoys it and carries on with the party not thinking about it again.
  2. “Ooh I’m not sure, I am trying to eat healthy. Oh ok go on..” Person B has a mental dilemma about whether to eat the cake or not. Wanting to eat it but agonising over the calories or the fat content. They eat the cake but spend the rest of the party worrying about it and planning how they will make up for it later.

Both people ate the cake. But the perceived stress in Person B would be so much higher. This basically summed up my relationship with food and exercise. Even though I was making healthy choices my mindset was not healthy and this made all the difference. Even though I was eating more I was still making my body feel restricted by setting a limit. I had moved the calorie bar higher but what I needed to do was remove the bar all together!

This was a hugely scary realisation at first. I was terrified that if I just let go I would lose all control and eat everything in sight. And I have to admit, sometimes that does happen. It is a work in progress to get back to eating what my body wants and needs rather than what my mind thinks it should have. And I have to accept that after feeling restricted for so long it is only natural for my body to ask for more. But now the work is to accept that, focus on nourishing my body at every opportunity and cultivating a feeling of abundance and liberation that I haven’t had for a very long time.

I can’t say for sure whether this change will help me to get my period back but after connecting with recovered women online it seems to be the right path. I don’t know how long it will take but I trust the process and will keep going.

Can you relate to this? Do you feel restricted or liberated? Please leave any comments I would love to hear your thoughts 🙂

Amy x


I just checked and it has been 9 months since I last posted.  The whole “starting a blog” thing didn’t really work out for me at that time.. But a lot has been happening since then which has given me a whole new perspective.

Basically, I haven’t been having my periods. For a LONG time. 7 years to be precise. For a while it was pretty convenient I’ll be honest and I was assured by doctors that it was fine and normal (can I just say here that just because something is common does not mean it is normal!). I tried to forget it and carry on with my life but it was always there niggling in the back of my mind.

In May 2016, around the time of my last post, I finally decided to go and see a doctor. I was sent for an ultra-sound which showed that I had multiple cysts on my ovaries and I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which is a surprisingly common condition of hormone imbalance in women. I was told there was no reason WHY it happened and no known cure, my best hope was managing my symptoms and potentially having treatment later down the line if I wanted to have children. Naturally, I was absolutely devastated.

My doctor recommended that I took birth control pills to regulate my cycle but I knew straight away that this wasn’t something I wanted. It just didn’t seem to make sense to add extra synthetic hormones into my already imbalanced system. Plus I knew that it would be a “fake period” and was really only masking the problem. So I did some research online and found a wonderful program/community called The Healing Woman (Success Healing PCOS at the time) where women were healing their PCOS naturally via a plant based diet. As I was vegan already I was like GREAT bring it on and jumped straight in to the 8 week program.

Through working with Hannah I started to uncover all sorts of ideas around my relationship to food and exercise and how it had impacted my body. As I spoke to more women I started to doubt my diagnosis of PCOS, I didn’t have any of the symptoms of high androgens and just didn’t seem to fit the profile for PCOS. Eventually, I had the confidence to go and see another doctor and question my diagnosis. I had some blood tests which confirmed my testosterone levels were normal and a second ultrasound scan which showed my ovaries were totally normal too. So I was undiagnosed with PCOS! But I still had the issue of no period..

I spent so much time researching online trying to figure out what was going on and eventually I came across something called Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (HA). This is basically the loss of menstrual cycle due to physical or emotional stress. Finally something that seemed to make sense! It pointed at 4 basic causes:

  1. Under-eating
  2. Over- exercising
  3. Maintaining a low body weight
  4. Stress/anxiety

I could identify totally with all of the above. I think in today’s society it is so normalised to be on a diet or trying to lose weight. But being in an energy deficient state has serious impacts on our bodies and I am just one of many suffering the consequences of striving for the “ideal body”. I don’t want this post to be too long so I will save the rest of my story till next time (which won’t be another 9 months!). I am now going “all in” trying to heal my body and tackle a lot of issues that have come up since I opened this can of worms.

I hope that you can share this journey with me 🙂


P.S. If anyone reading this is in a similar situation of being diagnosed with PCOS but not showing the symptoms I strongly recommend visiting the following link and downloading the resources which were so useful for me in figuring out what was going on!