Recovery diaries #4 feminine energy and amenorrhea

Since I started my recovery journey I have learned so much about masculine and feminine energy and the importance of keeping them in balance. Looking back at my life in the last 10 years it makes me laugh because it seems so obvious why I didn’t have my period for so long. I was living entirely from my masculine side, and through that I manifested a career in a very male dominated industry (engineering) and surrounded myself with male friends. I thought this was just because I got on better with guys and found I could talk to them easier, but what I didn’t realise was that this was because I was so out of touch with my feminine side that I just didn’t know how to communicate with girls any more and found that I just never really “clicked” with women that I met.

So when I say masculine energy what do I mean? I don’t mean the standard stereotype of watching football and drinking beer (although I do like a good craft ale) but more the masculine energy traits that we all have. These are left brain kind of traits such as logic, planning, control, striving, analysing and being goal orientated. And let me just stress that these are not bad things!! But when we take them too far and don’t balance them out with more feminine traits, that it when problems emerge. For me I have always been a very determined person, setting goals and planning what I can DO to get there. Finding out that in order to achieved the goal of getting my period back I actually need to just BE was a huge shock to me.

Feminine energy is much softer and calmer. It includes traits such as creativity, intuition, nurturing, patience, empathy and most importantly for me, surrender. These were all so alien to me! I have always been what people might call “a strong independent woman” but I didn’t know that by playing that role I was entirely sacrificing my feminine energy. For those of us that are classic type-A perfectionist kind of personalities it can be so easy to drift towards a strict routine with a long to-do list and packed schedule every day. We want to be productive and not waste a single minute. We see resting as a waste of time or even as being lazy. Often just sitting still makes us feel anxious as we feel we should be doing something! 

It is so easy to see how this kind of attitude can lead to losing our periods. When it comes to our bodies we tend to view them as machines. We really take the energy in=energy out principle to heart and see health and fitness as a numbers game. We set ourselves (often very ambitious) goals for how we want our bodies to look or what we want them to do and come up with a plan of how to get there. We apply our will power to eating “clean” or following intense exercise plans and quite often are praised by others for doing so. When I was in the depths of my disordered eating and exercise I got praise all the time.. people telling me I was so fit and healthy or that they wished they had my discipline around food and working out. What they didn’t know was the effect that my behaviours were really having on my body and the mental stress that this lifestyle was causing.

So what can we do to nurture our feminine side if we are lacking? 

I am still learning about all of this but here are a few things that I am working on at the moment.

  1. Getting in touch with my senses – listening to calming music, lighting candles and incense, finding out what foods I actually LIKE and allowing myself to enjoy them daily and wearing soft, comfortable or flowing materials
  2. Calming down my workout routine – I used to lift weights and do boxercise and other HIT workouts. I have also done yoga for years but often more intense power or ashtanga styles. I have recently discovered shakti yoga which much more graceful and feminine, almost dance-like, and is great for discovering your “inner goddess”
  3. Accepting help – Like I said i have always been a very independent person, wanting to do things for myself and not look weak or incapable. Now I am learning to relax more and allow people to do things for me if they offer. I am finding that letting people in in this way is even helping improve my relationships
  4. Getting in touch with my creativity – I have never been a very imaginative person but I love sewing and crafts so I am trying to channel my inner creativity in this way and who knows maybe I will uncover some long lost talents
  5. Connecting with others – I have found that reaching out and sharing my fears with others in my life or online has helped so much. Being vulnerable is actually so empowering! And in being honest about my struggles I have learnt so much about other people too
  6. Being kind to my body – this is quite a tough one but I am trying to get back in touch with what my body needs and learn how to look after myself again. I am so used to neglecting any signs of “weakness” and pushing my body through tiredness, injuries etc that I am finding it quite difficult but I definitely becoming more in-tune with time. I am learning to be kind to myself which takes on different forms every day.. some days it is accepting that my body needs to rest, other days it is going out for a walk in the fresh air, others it is eating lots of chocolate mmmmm

I hope that this can give some inspiration to anyone looking to channel some feminine energy. If you have any suggestions too I would love to hear them 🙂

Amy x

 

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